Someone is clearly messing with my head and wanting me to fail. The enemy is alive and well and trying to steal my peace and my personal progress. Not only does the evil one place roadblocks, setbacks and people in my path to rob me of my joy–he also finds new and ingenious methods to really push me to new levels of insanity.
Take the check I received today for an entire month of writing for a certain publication. A mere $358 for hours of interviews, dozens of phone calls, and so many pages of research that my eyes failed to focus. This does not even begin to graze the time it took to scrawl the wordy feature length stories.
Excitedly, I ripped opened the mail today, hoping for a miracle. Hoping that they finally listened to my requests and realized that after nine years, it was time to raise my pay–time to give me a bit more respect, time to put social justice into action.
I wanted to scream
I have bills to pay, a son’s tuition is due, more than a dozen medical bills are past due, I have groceries to buy…….and $358 won’t even cut the food bill.
I sunk to the floor–struggling to make sense of the knowledge that, although I take my job and my dedication to this publication very seriously, the relationship is far from reciprocal. Basically, their concerns are solely bottom line focused and all I am is a means to that bottom line.
What a slug to the gut.
This is where I struggle with many issues:
Am I in the right profession?
Should I quit and just work on my books?
Go back to school?
Find another job…….and if so, where?
After all, who wants a 51 year old woman who has spent 27 years at home raising five children and working as a freelance writer for 18 of those years?
Honestly, I would make more money doing pretty much anything than what I am doing now.
The problem is, how to quit what I am doing and find another profession that is lucrative?
On and on, I wrestled with this and felt less important than the slug crawling unnoticed under my tomato plants.
But through it all, I keep hearing Our Lord’s voice speaking to my spirit:
“For I have great plans for you,” “
Be still and know that I am God,” and
penny, can fall to the ground without your
Father knowing it. And the very hairs on
your head are all numbered. So don’t be
afraid; you are more valuable to Him than
a whole flock of sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31