I have so much to learn. Each day that I am on this journey of reinvention, I realize how much I have changed and how much I need to change.
In my shallow view of familial history, I remember what was done to me, what was expected of me and what a failure I often felt like. I did not realize until recently, that what was done to me was only a fraction of the entire picture and that each sibling in my family suffered their own personal histories, which, although distinct, were often equally as horrific.
As the child grows into the adult form, the mind, heart and sibling relationships remains in infancy, unless given the proper tools for growth. If a child has no parental guidance to transform into the adult mind–is there any hope of overcoming the pattern of dysfunction?
In my situation, I give all credit to Jesus Christ for pulling me out of extreme dysfunction into a new way of thinking and it all began with forgiveness. It was not easy; and often, I had to remind that inky voice welling up inside and bringing up former resentments, that I have forgiven that person for what they have done to me. Admittedly, there were occasions that required audibly repeating the action of forgiveness in order to go on. Without Jesus and the guidance of Our Blessed Mother, there would be no way that I could have forgiven these individuals and changed my self-destructive behaviors. It helped to understand that Jesus willingly stretched his arms on the wood of the cross and gave up his life for me, a sinner….. how humbling to know that He who was without sin, died so I could be forgiven.
For those members of my family choosing to remain in that narcissistic darkness of resentment and loathing, I feel very sorry for them.
But I understand.
After all, trusting in a loving God the Father and Mother Mary are incomprehensible to children who lived with spiteful, abusive and hurtful parents. So why trust? Because our heavenly Father and Mother define an unconditional love that no person in their human and flawed state can possibly do. But if we can just take a small step and reach out–grasp the fingers of Jesus and allow him to pull us out of the mire and into his warm embrace. Then the healing will come.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you
My prayers continue for the healing of all who were harmed by dysfunctional upbringing and I thank our Lord for the work He is doing in my heart–the freedom is a miracle