My friend Gale told me months ago that I would learn much about myself during the recovery of my total knee replacement—I had only a slight understanding of what she meant.
Surely I would suffer pain–yes, quite a bit
I would feel frustrated–even more so
Perhaps a bit depressed at my lack of independence–incredibly so.
Far beyond the external pain and personal frustration is a parallel internal struggle of trust. Specifically, trust in Church leadership, trust in my vocational hierarchy, trust in relationships that I expected would withstand the tests of time. The erosion of trust is injurious to institutions and untrustworthy leadership leads to venality, cupidity, and faulty leadership and decision making.
How do we regain trust when trust has been fractured? Whether it be in the large design of an organization or on personal level…breakdown of trust can be reprehensible and heart breaking.
Whom do I trust? Since my early childhood, this is one of my lifelong quests…trust has been shattered and restored, ripped and rebuilt, and then desecrated once more. I trust God. But I am an unsure if I can trust myself now…as it feels that I have suffered irreparable damage to my soul. I am unable to trust the establishments right now, but I will think more about what motivation stems from poor decision making from this point forward to gain some interpretation.
And I will continue to pray for additional comprehension of this journey