Contending with not knowing whether I am going to live or die from one moment to the next has been extremely unsettling to me the past 6 weeks. The ongoing, profound effects of a routine round of the antibiotic Levaquin has formed me into someone I no longer recognize.
Gone is the stalwart, unwavering wife and mother who, given the chance would work herself into the ground because things had to be just that perfect around the house. I worked longer, harder and was tougher than anyone. But, as they say, ‘life can change on a dime.’ No longer am I the strong one–and dealing with a disabled husband, that situation puts our household at a huge disadvantage.
I have become weak, weepy, weary and worn out–yes, it is a ‘w’ sort of day today.
Not a minute goes by when I am not in severe pain due to this drug. I have lost weight, lost hair, muscle strength, suffered nerve and tendon damage and much more. Frankly, there are more nights than not, that I believe I will not make it to see the next sunrise.
However, in the abyss of this murky mire of pain, there are bright spots-and many of them. If I hadn’t known it before, and I think I always did–there are plenty of angels masquerading as people roaming this earth. How amazing they are!
Whether it is a call from a sister or sister-in-law, a smile from a stranger in the store, or learning that others are praying for me–I know that God is sending His angels to blanket me with His love. Out of the blue, those who don’t know me personally have offered heartfelt assistance, advice and listening ears with hopes that I recover–how blessed I am to experience this loving kindness.
Unlike many who leave this earth suddenly, I am also blessed with the opportunity to make amends with those I may have hurt, discounted, or was less than charitable towards. It matters little that a few of them are not interested in reconciling, what matters is that I forgive them for the pain they have caused me and that I have asked for forgiveness from them……what they choose to do with that, rests upon their shoulders and resides in their souls. I love them all, nonetheless.
Each morning, I am offered the privilege to say ‘Thank you’ to God for another glorious day of being alive. Pain or not, each day is a gift and another opportunity to gaze into my sweet husband’s eyes, love my children, grandchildren and yes, my little dog too!
Yes, sometimes, the whole toxicity feels like a sucker punch to the gut and leaves me feeling angry and wondering why, but all in all, I am still grateful. Grateful to my parents who chose to have me, grateful to live in a country that is free, grateful for clean water, heat, and a roof over my head, grateful for a wonderful husband, five children and soon to be seven grandchildren. The legacy will continue long after I am but dust in the wind.
Mostly, I am grateful to God for opening my heart and soul to true happiness, forgiveness and the ability to accept His unconditional love and the gift of Faith………and thank you for your angels–both earthly and ethereal.