In the midst of our ongoing struggles, I seem to find more little pockets of God’s amazing grace in my daily life and I am absolutely awed.
Whether it is a phone call from a friend, a handwritten note in the mail, a thoughtful email, a home cooked meal from a friend, little moments where my husband isn’t grimacing with pain, or a sloppy kiss from a grandchild, God knows just where to find me.
It seems that despite everything we have endured these past seven years, I have found my relationship with God strengthened. Have I chased Him, or has He done the chasing? Perhaps it is a little of both.
While my relationship with God was good, or at least I thought it was good, it was nothing like it is now. I seem to speak to him constantly, in little bursts, in thoughts, in tiny or grandiose gestures and in turn, I feel His warm embrace, His tender touch, His reassurance that everything will be OK. Wow! That totally rocks me at times! The God of the universe cares about me? How can this be when there are so many people suffering so much more than we are? Why would He bother with making sure I knew that I was loved and that He was there for me all the time?
One question I often have in regards to living through and with my husband’s disability, my health issues and the shattered financial situation we are in, is would I have needed Him as much as I do now?
I honestly don’t know. True, there has been much in my life that was difficult–family addictions, abuse issues, finances, pain, and great suffering and in those times, I did turn to God. But see, that is the key–in THOSE TIMES, I turned to Him. He was not first. He was never first….then.
But He is now.
Now, I offer my day to Him, no matter if it is a difficult day or just short of amazing; I give it all to Him. I praise Him in the morning, through the day and before I retire for the night. I turn to Him when the days and nights are more than I can bear and I happily thank Him when we have those ethereal moments where I know we are experiencing the reunion of heaven and earth.
And I am in awe.
Through our suffering, God has made me a better person–not a bitter person. My tears have served to allow God to mold the clay (me) and see the pain and suffering of others. Not always, as I am definitely a work in progress, but I am better able to empathize with others, to see God in the faces of those who I may have overlooked in the past. I have learned to turn to Him when I see the pain in the eyes of others and ask Him to give them a reprieve.
I have learned much about judgements as I was probably the most judgmental person I knew–how dare I judge what I did not know. What right did I have?
Romans 8:28 tells us that God turns evil to good for all those who believe in Christ Jesus and while it may not be the way we envision, it is the way God wants it to be.
I have seen much good come from our suffering as God continues to unravel who I was to bring me to who He wants me to be. I want to be a better person and if it takes this suffering to get me there, so be it.