Finally, this week, I had the courage to contact one of the major hospitals in the United States with hopes that they could see my husband, to find that glimmer or thread of optimism that might lead to days with less pain, or another treatment to offer him a bit more normalcy. At first I was ecstatic to learn he was a candidate and then before the appointment was scratched on the calendar–it was taken away.
The woman spent 30 minutes on the phone going over his health history, which resembles the thickness of a world history text. She said he was a candiate, and I gave her all of the insurance information and she told me to get out my calendar. I did, and before I had the chance to write down the date, she said he was not eligible because this is due to an injury at a store and we have a pending legal case.
It was as if the air was sucked from my lungs and my heart thrown to my feet……I gulped and tears welled in the corners of my eyes, the saltiness dripping on my lips.
Despite his medicare and group health insurance, they won’t see him because there is a legal case pending? When I asked why–the woman hung up. So much for the courtesy that accompanies one of the best hospitals in the country.
After writing a scathing letter to the hospital administrator, my heart was racing, my breath ragged, and my heart broken. This was our last hope to help my husband to achieve a bit more normalcy and they said no.
For most of the day, I ranted and raved and cried and then, exhausted, I succumbed. Somewhere between my fits of anger moments, I realized that I did all that I could do and it must be for a reason that he was denied this appointment. Perhaps there is another clinic that will help him. Perhaps God has something else up His sleeve, I don’t know.
What I do know, is that each day of this seven year journey has offered me a myriad of opportunities to trust. Yes, trust–it might as well be a four letter word for me, because trust is something I have little of. Throughout nearly every facet of my childhood and adult life, my trust was violated. And now God is telling me to trust Him.
Putting my trust in a God who I cannot see and placing my husband in His arms, is very difficult. It is difficult to enjoy each day, each moment because I know tomorrow could be much worse, but I need to do this. I need to open wide my heart, to let go of what might be and enjoy what is. I still have my husband–many wives cannot say that. Many wives would be happy to have their husband snoring beside them and I still have that. I still have amazing conversations and crazy laughs with him and for that, I am grateful.
When he is in his most serious pain, and cannot speak, I know He trusts that God will guide him through.
He will guide me too–but I have to remember that God’s way is not mine.
Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
I cannot trust myself–but I need to trust Him