Ranting and being vulnerable

There are days that I am not a good witness for the Lord. If you looked at me and listened to me, you would probably believe that I am not a Christian and definitely not a practicing Catholic.

This is one of those days.

Today, I am hurt, disappointed, chewed up, spit out, and extremely vulnerable. Sulking on my back porch, I listen to the sweet sounds of mother birds feeding their babies, just feet away from my chair.

 It isn’t making me happy, but it should.

The frosty temperatures with nearly daily rain have given way to balmy sunshine and a warmth so comfortable, it makes me sleepy.

It isn’t making me happy, but it should.

Again, I have allowed myself to absorb ugly critical voices from family and friends, as well as my own internal angry menace. She is very loud and quite judgmental.

These loved ones seem to know how I should be feeling and what I should do, but no one is here living my life, feeling the shards of glass penetrating my moccasins. No one is here day after day as I watch the deterioration of all that was once comfortable and reassuring. No one is stopping by to carry this burden that has suddenly become too much for me to bear.

It is hard to hear Christ through the din of opprobrium,  disdain, and faux perfection. I know He is there, but right now, I can’t hear Him.

On my knees, I  begged, pleaded, prayed, and shouted for Him to make things better for my husband, his health, my health, and our finances, but again…..silence.

Truly, countless others have it worse and longer than we have endured our suffering. I pray for them too.

I have a friend who is dying and my problems pale in comparison to she and her husband and two small children.

Another friend has lost his vocation through false accusation. It tears what is left of my heart into tiny jagged pieces to know the suffering he endures.

Despite this knowledge, my usual mantra of gratitude echoes through the trees and into the farm fields behind me. It doesn’t come back to warm my soul. Instead, there is a chill that slightly angers me because I cannot even master gratitude correctly.

What is my message for today, other than a scurrilous rant?

Perhaps, it is that I CAN rant and lightening does not strike.
Or that He who created me loves me despite my ingratitude.
Or that even my anger can be a prayer to He who can do all things.


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