The "C" word

They toss it around like they would a bag of mixed gummies and other sundries from the local candy store.

Looking you square in the eye
not blinking
not quivering….

but I was.

My insides turned to jelly. This was not the outcome I imagined.

In just 15 minutes, not even a half-time show, the doctors laid out the plan for my life; that is, what might be remaining of it.

Cancer

I hate that word.

I just lost two friends to the disease within the past month.

And then, he adds: “risky surgery” to the bitter mixture.
not skipping a beat, he adds up all of the things that might go wrong and none of them good.

I’m trying to be brave, but I’m not.
Trying not to cry, but I am…the tears seep without my permission

Last night as I was rocking my chocolate-eyed granddaughter to sleep, I inhaled the scent of her velvety skin…
so I don’t forget.

I watched the glimmer in the eyes of my soon-to-be three year old daughter and giggled with her, and encapsulated that memory forever.

I spoke with my tow-headed granddaughter on the phone yesterday–nearly 4 and already acting like a grown-up

and then there are the three beautiful baby boys, that are so dear to my heart, as well as the ten-year-old who is going on 30. I love them more than I ever imagined.

I love being a mom, but I really have fun being a grandmother.

All the fun, none of the responsibility, and it is the best of both worlds.

How I will miss them if this surgery goes awry.

I will miss the many moments-laughing with my husband, sharing long talks with my children, and secrets with my dear friends. I’ll miss playing with our little Bichon, Argyle and feeding the feral cat who adopted us. I’ll miss the bluebirds that make their way to our birdbaths, as well as their feathered songbird friends who seem to gravitate here.

The past few days as I count down to my surgery, I have received an outpouring of loving messages, promises of prayer and compassion from hundreds of friends and family members. I am very blessed and so undeservedly so. So many mistakes in my life, none that can be undone, yet the grace of our Dear Lord has shown to me, the depth of His infinite love through the words and comforting arms of others.

I have had a good life and if the Lord decides it is my time, that’s ok–it is always the ones you leave behind that create the most angst in your heart. So, for those of you who know me and are reading this. Thank you for being my friend. I am sorry I wasn’t perfect, but I tried to be good. Love to you all

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3 thoughts on “The "C" word

  1. I am saddened to hear this. I will be praying for you to have a complete recovery……keep a positive attitude as much as possible. God bless~~~

    Like

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