Darkness and rainbows

It was just around the corner, looming in the background of my semi-conscious, pain medicated state.
In between the moments of agony and blissful joy at the favorable outcome of last week’s surgery, it was there.

Black tentacles, crawling up my bed, grasping my mind and heart like leeches drawing blood from their prey. I was beginning to succumb.

I have been here before. It is familiar, but not friendly.
The darkness.
The cavern with no escape.
No slivers of light penetrate the dungeon in my mind.
Hopelessness
Loneliness
Worthlessness
Inadequacies

Why, after receiving a diagnosis of no cancer, am I depressed?

I should be joyful! And shouting from the rooftops at the miracle…as it surely was a miracle. Ask my thoracic surgeon whose mouth gaped as he told me the incredible news.

Friends have called, sent cards, written emails, given me gifts, taken us to dinner and brought meals. An outpouring of old and new friends, and family members have reached out, offering comfort and love. While I am enormously appreciative; something is off.

Tears flow at will.
My scarred and bruised chest heaves in pain as I cry for no reason.
I notice all that is wrong
and find great fault with myself

Yet,  despite the grip on my mind, unlike other times, I am not feeling abandoned.

I feel Christ within me, fighting battles I cannot.

The tentacles are losing their grip and the darkness not as murky

An evening diversion with a friend for ice cream, brought a breathtaking view and a fresh outlook

……..a double rainbow

and then, I knew

I shall not slip from His grasp

Thanks be to God

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord. –Romans 8:37-39

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2 thoughts on “Darkness and rainbows

  1. You show so much emotion, honesty, vulnerability, faith and hope in this beautiful reflection of your post surgery and recovery time. Thanks for sharing. You have a gift with your writing. Don't stop.

    Like

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