Advent Lessons

I never intended for it to slip by
but it did.
Somewhere, sandwiched between a long drive to and from Ohio
legal ramblings
the demise of appliances
dashed hopes and dreams
financial issues
and baking…it nearly did.

We are less than one week from Christmas and my promise to read the Daily Office and to pray a rosary every day, as well as attending daily Eucharist didn’t happen. Well, I attempted, but never made it through to the end. It is nothing new- I start with high expectations and never finish.

And somehow, instead of waiting with wonder, I am moving through each day with hesitation. With dread and angst as my companions.

Hardly the Christ-like, wide-eyed spirit of Christmas.

Inside me is a frayed, beaten, fractured and painful soul,  and I don’t like it.

All these years we followed the rules. Believing that honesty was the best policy, believing that someone’s word was their bond. Being honorable. Believing that truth would ultimately win out. Believing that nice guys can come out ahead. It is not true.

The little guys don’t win. We tried hard. We put up a good fight, but we lost and realized that the lawyers, and the judges were never on our side.  Although we bought the lies, they were nothing but empty promises told to gullible people craving a glimpse of a better tomorrow.

So, it is all gone. The hard work did not pay off and it is time to move on, to end this.

My niece sent me a passage a couple of weeks ago that is taped to my computer and as I read it now, it comforts me with new understanding.

“The God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory through Christ Jesus will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you after you have suffered a little.” 1 Peter 5:10

And really, compared to He who has suffered so much for my sinful self, this is nothing in the overall scheme of things.

Despite the lies and betrayals, He has not left us. We still have shelter and food for now. We have many who love us. And we have Him. He who came in the cold, born in a trough in the most undesirable circumstances to save us. And while my feelings are fleeting and unjust, He is Faithful and He will carry us through.

Thanks be to God, I have 6 days left to pray through Advent.

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