Trusting

Each time I think I have made it to a new level of trusting in God’s Providence, something else seems to come along to challenge my Faith, my ability to trust the One I cannot see.

Recently, we had some good news. Not great news, but good. Adequate. Satisfying and comforting.

And for those who know me well, the dizzying fragments of 8 years of bad news nearly killed me and definitely challenged my mental state and faith life. So, this good news, while a foreign concept, gave me a few moments to breathe deeply, to work out the wrinkles that embedded themselves deeply around my mouth, the corners of my eyes and my heart. I laughed for the first time in a while and it felt so good.

So yesterday, when we received extremely disappointing news, those feelings resurfaced. It isn’t as if I can’t handle disappointment, but blatant and outright lying is something I cannot tolerate. The pain of being lied to, misled, and cheated are probably the worst agony I’ve ever experienced.

From the beginning, we have handled our situation with honesty and in the manner we expect that God would approve. Unfortunately, there are a few who should know better, but made promises they never intended to keep, lied to convince us to make a difficult decision and did so without care or concern for us, only for themselves.

As the headache began at 4 pm yesterday afternoon and swelled to one of the worst migraines of my life, I think I lost momentary trust in the only one who is Faithful and True. Falling asleep amid a puddle of my own tears, I again cried out to Him for help. Fitfully, I slept, waking early to the same throbbing head and tear-filled eyes. As I completed my morning ritual of prayers, His message came through. “You have trusted me to care for you all these years and I have done so. Do you think I will stop now?” Wow!

While my concentration is slightly skewed this morning, I am reminded that I am not in charge, nor are those in ‘authority’ who think they are. If we have the Lord of the Universe on our side, do we need any other representation?

Today, I am focusing on the One True Light.

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